Escape to Paradise: Adults-Only Luxury at Ivy Hotel, St. Julian's, Malta
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because we're diving DEEP into the rabbit hole that is a hotel review. Prepare for honesty, the good, the bad, and the downright weird. I'm talking a full-frontal assessment of – from accessibility to how many pillows you can smuggle out without getting the stink eye. Let’s go!
Review of : A Messy, Honest, And Utterly Human Take
First things first: The Vibe. We're not talking sterile hotel brochure here. This is REAL LIFE. My expectations are high because they say, well, let's get to it.
Accessibility: A Mixed Bag, Bless Their Hearts
- Wheelchair Accessible: Okay, yes. This is a must for me. From glancing, I'm seeing "generally" accessible, which means… well, you need to double-check. My last experience with a "generally" accessible place involved stairs masquerading as ramps and elevators that decided to take a nap. Pro Tip: Call ahead and get very specific. Ask about room access, bathroom layout, the whole enchilada. Not just a simple "yes."
- Elevator Yes, a huge plus.
- Facilities for disabled guests: This sounds promising, but again, research is KEY. Don't assume "accessible" means everything is. Think about things like grab bars in showers, low-level counters, etc.
- Accessibility: Overall, this is a good start, but don’t take it as gospel. Be proactive and verify. That's like, my biggest pet peeve.
Internet: Because, Duh, We Need It
- Free Wi-Fi in All Rooms! YAY! We're living in the 21st century, people. If I can't stream Netflix in my pajamas, I'm not happy.
- Wi-Fi in public areas: Also a win. Because sometimes, you just need to scroll through cat videos while pretending to be productive.
- Internet (LAN): Old school! Who still uses LAN? I’m guessing for some specific business needs.
- Internet services: Hopefully includes tech support if the Wi-Fi decides to stage a walkout.
Cleanliness and Safety: The Pandemic Factor – and What It Really Means
- Anti-viral cleaning products: Good start. Show me the bleach!
- Breakfast takeaway service: Excellent. Because I always want to eat in my pajamas at least once.
- Cashless payment service: Smart. Covid taught us about germs and money.
- Daily disinfection in common areas: Okay, this is what I want to hear.
- Doctor/nurse on call: Comforting to know.
- First aid kit: Essential, especially for clumsy travelers like myself.
- Hand sanitizer: Everywhere, please!
- Hot water linen and laundry washing: Nice. Keeps the creepy crawlies at bay.
- Hygiene certification: Hopefully up to date.
- Individually-wrapped food options: Perfect. Grab and go.
- Physical distancing of at least 1 meter: Let's hope the staff is good at this, but this is something that you, as a guest, have the ability to control.
- Professional-grade sanitizing services: Excellent, if true.
- Room sanitization opt-out available: Good for those who would rather not.
- Rooms sanitized between stays: Essential.
- Safe dining setup: Important. I hate feeling like I’m eating in a biohazard zone.
- Sanitized kitchen and tableware items: Duh.
- Shared stationery removed: Good riddance.
- Staff trained in safety protocol: Crucial. Knowledge is power, especially when it involves avoiding illness.
- Sterilizing equipment: Bring on the laser beams! (Kidding… mostly).
Overall - Cleanliness and safety seem to be taken seriously, which is HUGE in this day and age. I just hope it's not all for show.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking: Where the Magic (and the Hangovers) Happen
- Restaurants, Bars, and Poolside Bar: Promising! The more options, the better. I'm a big fan of having a drink within stumbling distance of my bed.
- 24-hour room service: Bless you. Especially for those midnight snack attacks.
- A la carte in restaurant: Fine dining, maybe? Depends on the restaurant.
- Alternative meal arrangement: Is there a chef or something?
- Asian breakfast, cuisine: Always a winner in my book.
- Breakfast [buffet] & service, Buffet in restaurant: Buffet = Always a gamble. Will there be cold scrambled eggs? Will I be fighting for bacon?
- Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop: Fueling up is critical.
- Desserts in restaurant: Gimme all the sugar.
- Happy hour: YES! My wallet and my liver both approve.
- International cuisine in restaurant: Gives you a little choice.
- Salad in restaurant: Gotta pretend to be healthy, at least once.
- Snack bar: Handy for the inevitable mid-afternoon slump.
- Soup in restaurant: A comfort.
- Vegetarian restaurant: Good for my vegan friends.
- Western breakfast, cuisine: Safe options.
- Bottle of water: Yes!
- Room service [24-hour] - A must, especially for a quick snack or drink after a long day of exploring.
*Overall - Dining options seem plentiful. But I’m hoping for some truly *delicious* food. Let's hope the reviews back it up. And the happy hour better be worth it.*
Things to Do & Ways to Relax: Spa Day, Anyone?
- Body scrub & body wrap: Ah, bliss. I'm picturing myself getting pampered.
- Fitness center, Gym/fitness: If I can drag myself there. The willpower is always the obstacle.
- Foot bath: Who doesn't love a foot bath?
- Massage: Double yes.
- Pool with view, Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]: Ooooh, a pool with a view? Sounds luxurious. A sauna and steam room are always a plus.
- Couple's room - Interesting.
Overall - Seems like a great place to RELAX. Major points for the variety of spa options. I'm already envisioning a very lazy day! The key will be quality execution, and a view would make it extra special.
Services and Conveniences: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference
- Air conditioning in public area and rooms: Essential, let's be honest. Particularly in hot climates.
- Audio-visual equipment for special events, Indoor venue for special events, Meetings, Meeting/banquet facilities, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Seminars, Wi-Fi for special events: Great for business travelers, or if you’re hosting a wedding or event.
- Business facilities: Good.
- Cash withdrawal, Currency exchange, Safety deposit boxes: Practical.
- Concierge, Doorman: Added luxury.
- Contactless check-in/out: Efficient.
- Convenience store: Nice to have, if you’re in need of any last minute items.
- Daily housekeeping: Clean sheets and a tidy room are essential.
- Dry cleaning and Ironing service, Laundry service: No one wants to spend their vacation doing laundry.
- Elevator: Much appreciated, especially with luggage.
- Essential condiments: Never a bad thing.
- Food delivery: Wonderful.
- Gift/souvenir shop: Always fun to browse.
- Invoice provided: Useful for those on business trips.
- Luggage storage: Super useful if you’re arriving early or departing late.
- Smoking area: Important for smokers, but hopefully far away from the non-smokers!
- Terrace: A nice spot to relax.
- Xerox/fax in business center: Useful, if you need it.
Overall - The services are numerous and well-chosen. They seem to have thought of all the little things that make a stay more comfortable. I hope the staff are genuinely helpful and not just going through the motions.
For the Kids: Keeping the Little Monsters Happy (And the Parents Sane)
- Babysitting service: Lifesaver!
- Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, and Kids meal: A big win for families.
*Overall - **Looks very kid-friendly
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Alright, buckle up, buttercups. Because this isn't your average travel itinerary. This is a messy, glorious, slightly-hungover-at-times, and completely human account of how I spent a week at the Ivy Hotel in St. Julian's, Malta. Buckle up, because it's gonna be a ride.
The Ivy Hotel - Malta: My Slightly-Loopy Itinerary (and Unvarnished Truths)
Day 1: Arrival and Oh. My. God. That View.
- Morning: Flight. Blah, blah, security. Packed like a sardine. Finally, Malta! The airport smelled faintly of…well, sunshine and promises. Got a cab. The driver, with his booming laugh and a cigarette hanging precariously from his lips (classic!), told me about the "best pastizzi" in the city. Setting the tone, I guess.
- Afternoon: Checked into the Ivy. Adults-only. Yes, please. The hotel is, let's be honest, gorgeous. Minimalist chic with a side of "I hope I can afford the mini-bar." Then… the balcony. Swear to God, I gasped. The Mediterranean stretched out before me, a postcard come to life. Blue! Glittering! Absolutely breathtaking. Spent a full hour just staring. Lost track of time, forgot to unpack. Priorities.
- Evening: First sunset. Another gasp. Followed by a quick run (trying to work off all the plane food), then a shower.
- Dinner: Hit the hotel restaurant, which was a good start; I had a burger and some decent wine but there was something off in the fries; they were so oily and that's just the thing to ruin an otherwise perfect dish, but I kept it from the waiter and decided to finish it anyway; felt like I had to. Maybe I was too tired after all that travelling. The burger… was great. Slept like a log.
Day 2: Sliema, Sunburns, and the Pursuit of the Perfect Aperol Spritz
- Morning: Determined to be a “cultured traveler.” Took a ferry to Sliema. Pretty! Pretty shops, pretty people (I think). Got lost. Repeatedly. Found a charming café. Had a coffee and a pastry. Got my first hint of a sunburn. (Note to self: sunscreen, dumb-dumb).
- Afternoon: Beach time! Dragged myself to the beach. Got more sunburned. Realized I'd left my book at the hotel. Threw myself into the Mediterranean (which was blissful) and tried to convince myself the mild pain (from the sunburn) was worth it.
- Evening: Aperol Spritz quest! This was a mission. First attempt: too watery. Second attempt: too sweet. Third attempt: Perfection. Found a little bar tucked away on a side street and finally got it right. Sat there, sipping my glorious, fizzy beverage, watching the sunset, and vowing that this was the life.
- Dinner: Had dinner at the same Italian restaurant as yesterday (I was in the mood for it, ok?).
- Nightcap: Took a walk by the sea, and saw an old couple holding hands. Made me feel happy, and sad. They seemed so content. I am alone.
Day 3: Valletta, History, and a Near-Disaster with a Maltese Pastizzi
- Morning: Valletta! Brave the buses; a bit of a hassle, but doable. The capital is stunning. The architecture is just… wow. Felt like I'd stepped back in time. Explored the Upper Barrakka Gardens. Took photos. Tried to look intelligent while reading about the Knights of St. John. I swear, I even remembered a few things.
- Afternoon: Pastizzi adventure! Determined to find the "best" pastizzi, the ones the cab driver raved about. Got lost (again). Found a tiny bakery. Queued up. Ordered. Took a bite. Oh. My. God. Too hot. Swallowed it whole (it was delicious). Felt like I was going to melt my tongue. The pain faded and the flavor stayed.
- Evening: More strolling around Valletta, and a quick and unenthusiastic visit to the Lascaris War Rooms.
- Dinner: Found a restaurant in Valletta with live music. Really enjoyed myself. Wine flowed freely. Possibly a bit too freely.
- Nightcap: Stumbled back to the hotel. Fell asleep fully clothed.
Day 4: The Blue Lagoon: Hype vs. Reality (and My Very Public Embarrassment)
- Morning: Comino and the Blue Lagoon! Booked a boat trip. Heard it was "heaven on earth." The boat ride itself was amazing, a beautiful ride. The lagoon… well, it's undeniably beautiful. That water is a stark blue. The crowds, however… overwhelming. Paradise lost in a sea of selfie sticks and screaming children (despite the adults-only hotel).
- Afternoon: Snorkeling. Swallowed half the sea water. Had a near-drowning experience. In the process, my bikini top decided to stage a daring escape. Mortified. Managed to wrangle it back, but spent the rest of the afternoon feeling like a boiled lobster.
- Evening: Back at the hotel, nursing my ego (and a sunburn). Ordered room service. Devoured a pizza. Watched a terrible movie. Feeling a little sorry for myself. So this is what it is like!
Day 5: The Dive: Going Deep
Today was a dive. This was on purpose. I signed up with a dive outfit and booked it!
- Morning: Went the meet the instructor, who was a very cute girl, and she had a very thick accent. They taught me how to dive in the pool, and afterwards we would go to a location.
- Afternoon: We went to a cove, filled with tourists. I was really nervous! I don't think I've ever felt this nervous before.
- The Dive: Okay. So, you go down there, holding your breath… wait. No, you don't hold your breath. You breathe through the regulator?! And you can look around! Oh my god… I can breathe underwater! Everything was so weird, so quiet. I saw fish! So many fish! I was just staring at the fish. One was even orange and white. It's a clownfish; that's what they said! I was scared, but I was happy!
- Evening: I had a dive. I did the dive! That was the best thing! And I am very happy. I had a seafood dinner. I am happy and I am sleepy. This is good stuff!
Day 6: Mdina, Silent City, and a Moment of Zen (Briefly)
- Morning: A much-needed change of pace. Took a bus to Mdina, the "Silent City." It was beautiful. Peaceful! Felt like I’d escaped the chaos for a bit. Wandered through the narrow streets. Admired the architecture. Actually felt… serene.
- Afternoon: Found a little café overlooking the valley. Coffee. Cake. More contemplation. Briefly considered buying a house in Malta and becoming a professional contemplative. Got distracted by a flock of birds. Suddenly, zen was gone.
- Evening: Back at the hotel. Packed. Felt a weird mix of sadness and excitement. Sad to leave, ready to go home, maybe a little bit of both.
- Dinner: Tried a Maltese rabbit stew. It was…interesting. But a little too much rabbit for my liking.
- Nightcap One final drink on the balcony. Stared at the stars. Malta, you were amazing.
Day 7: Departure and the Unfinished Spritz
- Morning: Last breakfast at the Ivy. Said goodbye to the view. Took a final, lingering look at the sea. Got a cab (same guy! With his same cigarette!). He asked if I’d had the "best pastizzi" yet. I laughed.
- Afternoon: Flying home. Thinking about that unfinished Aperol Spritz, which I'm sure I'll eventually replicate in my memory!
In Conclusion:
Malta was a whirlwind. Sunburns, history, near-drowning experiences, and Aperol Spritz adventures (still chasing that perfect one). It was messy. It was imperfect. It was completely, gloriously human. Would I go back? Absolutely. Already dreaming of that view. And the next time, I'm bringing way more sunscreen. And maybe a partner.
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So, what exactly *is* "life stuff," anyway? Like, seriously.
Oh, honey, that's the million-dollar question, isn't it? “Life stuff” – it's that mishmash of everything. The good, the bad, the utterly baffling, the slightly smelly… you get the gist. It's paying the bills (ugh), navigating relationships (double ugh), figuring out what to eat for dinner (triple ugh, especially when you're staring into the fridge at 6 PM and it's just… the void.), and trying not to lose your mind while doing it all. So basically, everything. EVERYTHING.
Is there a secret to getting "life stuff" right? Like, a magical cheat code? Spill the beans!
HA! Oh, if only! If there *was* some secret, I'd be lounging on a beach in the Bahamas, sipping a fruity cocktail, and not, you know, wrestling with this dumb SEO thing. The truth? There's no secret. It's a constant work in progress. Sometimes you win, sometimes you spectacularly lose. Like that time I tried to bake a birthday cake for my niece? Let's just say it involved a fire alarm, a lot of tears (hers *and* mine), and a very expensive store-bought cake. Don't even ask.
Okay, fine. But *how* do you even *start* tackling all this... stuff? Where do you begin?
Deep breaths. Okay? Deep breaths. Seriously. Sometimes the sheer *volume* of things to do feels like a tidal wave ready to crash. My advice? Small bites. One thing at a time. Make a list. And then, and this is crucial, allow yourself to *not* get everything done. Perfection is the enemy of… well, everything, really. Today it's answering these things, and that’s enough. Baby steps, honestly. Small, messy, stumble-y baby steps.
What's the hardest part of "life stuff," in your opinion?
The. Freaking. Comparison. Game. Ugh. Social media? A highlight reel of everyone else’s "perfect" lives. It's brutal. You see perfectly filtered photos, perfectly crafted vacations, perfectly… everything. And you start to think *you're* doing it wrong. Newsflash: they're probably not as perfect as they're pretending to be. Everyone struggles. We all have our messy bits. The trick? Focus on *your* mess. Try to make it a little bit less of a mess. And stop scrolling, before you start feeling like an underachiever.
What about relationships? Ugh. How do *those* work?
Ah, relationships. The beautiful, infuriating, sometimes-utterly-bonkers cornerstone of, well, *life* life. Here’s what I’ve learned, from a lifetime of trial-and-error: Communication. Seriously. Talk to each other. Even when you *really* don't want to. Listen. Try to understand where the other person is coming from, even if you disagree. And forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive them…. Everyone makes mistakes. (See: Sourdough debacle, again.) Be kind. Be patient. And, for the love of all that is holy, learn to compromise. You AREN'T always right, believe me! And if you *are* always right, then you’re probably wrong.
Speaking of mistakes... How do you deal with, you know, failures?
Well, that depends on the size of the failure, right? If it's a small one... like burning the toast *again* this morning (I swear, that toaster is a demon!), I usually just sigh dramatically and pour another cup of coffee. If it's a bigger one... like, say, losing my keys, again, and missing an important appointment, well, that's where things get dicey. First, there's the initial wave of mortification. Followed closely by the self-loathing. And then, finally, acceptance. It's okay to mess up. It’s human. Learn from it, and move on. And maybe set a reminder to look for your keys *before* you leave the house. (I still forget to do this, constantly.) Don't beat yourself up. It’ll just make things worse!
Money! It’s always a problem. How do you handle the finances of "life stuff"?
Oh, money. The root of... well, *most* of the stress. Budgeting? I try. Really, I do. But then there’s that amazing sale at the craft store (hello, impulse buying!), or that urge to order takeout when you’re exhausted and the fridge holds only sad vegetables and the ghost of a forgotten yogurt container. Honestly, I will admit, I am crap at this. I am trying to learn to save.. but I have a problem with "treat yo’self" days turning into "treat yo'self the entire month!" So here’s what I’m working on: figuring out where the money goes. And then cutting back on the extras. Which is why I now make 90% of my coffee at home. The other 10% involves a screaming need for a latte. That usually means I end up sacrificing something else. Oh, and I also know how to make pasta, beans, and rice stretch for a REALLY long time. And that's okay!
What about the good stuff? What's your favourite part, the things that make it all feel worthwhile?
Oh, *that’s* easy. The laughter. The connection with other people. The feeling of accomplishment, no matter how small (finally folding that mountain of laundry? Victory!). The quiet moments of peace. The sun on your face. The purr of a cat when he crawls up next to you. The joy of a good book. The smell of coffee in the morning, and a kind person makes it all better. That feeling of pure, unadulterated *joy*... those are the things that make it all worthwhile. And, you know, sometimes a really, *really* good piece of chocolate doesn’t hurt either.
